"Do you remember when you climbed up to the school roof and how you could see for miles? In the same way you’re going to climb this mountain, and at the top you will see how little everything is in comparison to what I will give you."
I should not be okay after this year of trial, anxiety, and torment. A normal person would not be okay. But I am often reminded that I was not meant for a white picket fence kind of life. Please, do not misunderstand, I do not mean that in an arrogant way. The oddity in my life right now is that I am in fact okay.
Bravery is highly underrated and ill defined in my world. Bravery operates by the Spirit, the will that reminds the soul of what is worth fighting for. It is certainly not a feeling. Just as faith is not a feeling, but rather the act of perseverance that says, “I do not care that I do not feel or see the results of prayer, but I’ll keep asking and fighting until I do.” This has been my life this year. I have often found myself in a corner shaking with cold fear thinking, “I cannot do this!” A voice will always come shortly thereafter to say, “Rise daughter and take a step forward.” With bravery I do not possess on my own, I get up and take one step, only to find myself propelled forward by grace. I have found the most effective way to fight for the future that is before me is to do the exact opposite of what I am feeling. Sometimes that seems almost impossible, because what I feel so strongly is often on the verge of debilitating. However, that is when grace comes in.
Grace is misunderstood as well. Grace is not comprised of feelings, but is power to do what I do not think I can do. For so much of my life I have prayed for grace and have expected to feel better, but that is usually not the case. Sometimes I feel better after I take the first step, but all the time, regardless of how I am feeling, grace simply gets me to where I need to go.
It is easy to ask, “Why am I here?” Most of the time that is the wrong question to be asking, because regardless of the answer, I am here. There is no going over it, under it, or around it. I have to go through it (thank you childhood song for your infinite wisdom). The wilderness stretches before me and it seems endless, but the truth is that it will end. It has to end because that is the nature of the called and answered life. There have been many oases, times of relief and comfort in this long journey, but I see a river that leads me out. I see a future full of possibility. I see freedom from the wilderness that ends with me gaining power that I never knew I held in my hands. It is okay, and it will be okay.